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Mourn With Me
When I began this website, my vision for it encompassed the involvement of neighbors, people of the community, people who felt strongly that they had a stake in the community, who cared about something, who were passionate about something, and who would contribute their thoughts and feelings to the community website.
It was an unrealistic vision, something that isn't done, as you can see by visiting all the other community websites put up by all the other community organizations in Providence. They are quite dry compared to the Mt. Hope Community Website. Maybe they are better than our website, I don't know. They all certainly share one characteristic with ours and that is that very few people contribute.
I've learned to my chagrin that people are petty, jealous, resentful, but most of all people are cowardly and fearful. Why, what if you voice your opinion and someone disagrees with you. Wouldn't that just be devastating to your fragile sense of self-esteem. What if you discovered that some people did not like you. Devastating! What if someone ridiculed you or spread an ugly rumour about you? Oh, my god, there is good reason to not ever put yourself on the line. Never express yourself or your feelings let alone your opinion. Listen to your fear.
As you know, I am not afraid, or rather let me rephrase that, I do not let my fear control me.
So, thus, let me ask you all, the Mt. Hope community, including those of you who have spread ugly rumours, those of you who despise me, those of you who ridicule me behind my back, as well as those of you who provide strong support, and those of you who provide silent support, to mourn with me the death of my nephew's son, Jeff, 15, who, in an act of incomprehensible adolescent desperation, took his own life this past week.
Join me and my family in mourning the death of one of our own who died so young by his own hand. And in so doing let us remember the deaths of over 3000 of our sons and daughters who have died in service of our country in the war in Iraq. Senseless deaths all.
Look into the face of this beautiful young man and understand our loss.
R.I.P. Jeffrey R. H. Twomey
Jeff feeding a baby lamb
Jeff got arrested in school, in the early afternoon, last Tuesday. He was caught with three packs of cigarettes and a small wooden pipe he wanted to sell. No drugs were involved. It was the first time Jeff had been in trouble in school. The police put Jeff in handcuffs and hauled him down to the local jail in the small town where he lived. They made a show of it in front of the entire school to set an example. His mother, who teaches in the local public school system, had to leave school to bail Jeff out.
She took Jeff home, and Jeff was terribly upset and disconsolate: he went into his room and crawled into bed. Two hours later, his mother came home from school and and went to Jeff's room. He was nowhere in sight. But she noticed a light on in his closet and went to turn it off. When she opened the door she found Jeff hanging there, dead. He had hung himself!
The principal called Jeff's dad about 6:30 PM to say not to worry, they were not going to press charges, and they weren't going to expel him as it was the first trouble he had gotten in to at school. He asked how Jeff was doing, and when Jeff's dad told him, he broke down completely. He had been out of the office all day.
Jeff had called his father the day before to remind him that he had Church Youth Group Wednesday night, and also to make reservations for horseback riding this weekend ("like you promised") out at the farm. His funeral started about the same time as his horseback riding was to have begin. I can't write anymore about this.
Jeff's funeral was last Saturday. His father, James, sent me Jeff's obituary, which I will share with you.
Jeffrey—1991-2007Jeffrey, ( *Jeffrey R.H. Twomey* ) 15, passed away on Tuesday, May 22, 2007 at his home.
Born on August 21, 1991, he was a son, brother, and grandson. He was a freshman in school. looking forward to joining the Robotics competition next year. His career goal was to become an engineer.
Jeff enjoyed computer games (especially StarCraft), soccer, dodgeball, and writing. He was a gifted student and enjoyed beating his father at chess. Jeff enjoyed taking annual kayak trips down the Kickapoo River in Ontario, Wisconsin. He had his drivers permit and was looking forward to getting his full license this fall.
Jeff loved animals. He had 3 cats: Shadow, Ninja and Freakazoid. He also enjoyed spending time at his father’s farm, helping take care of the sheep, goats, and llamas. This spring he experienced lambing season for the first time, even giving one foundling CPR.
Jeff’s favorite television shows were Mythbusters and the Simpsons. He enjoyed classical music and played percussion while in middle school.
He attended First United Methodist Church and a youth group at Immanuel Baptist Church.
He is survived by his mother and father, two brothers and a sister as well as maternal and fraternal grandparents and numerous aunts, uncles and cousins. He was preceded in death by his uncle and grandfather.
Visitation will be at First United Methodist Church, with funeral services at 11:30 a.m. Burial will be private. In lieu of flowers, memorials in Jeffrey’s name to the Robotics competition would be appreciated.
Jeff with Sheep
I don't remember the title of the song I'm quoting right now, but I remember Bob Dylan wrote it:
But you who philosophize disgrace and criticize all fear, bury the rag deep in your face, for now ain't the time for your tears.
In remembrance of Jeffrey.
Fear: it cripples.
Mourn with me, our loss.
John Twomey
Posted at June 1, 2007 10:39 PM
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Thanks so much for your comment, Denise, I did not know what to think of that comment from the Sunday school teacher. Still, Bonnie seemed to have heard something about Jeff's condition prior to his death. I know from my experience with my own son how devastating pot smoking can be be to the teenage mind. I still don't understand why Jeff committed suicide. I know that both Jamie and James were good parents, they, neither of them, are to blame. And he was a good kid. Why?
Posted by: John at July 17, 2007 03:28 AM
Who is this Bonnie Buska and why has she turned this whole thing around to be about herself? She was Jeff's Sunday School Teacher when he "WAS ABOUT 4 YEARS OLD". How could she know what Jeff was like now? Did anyone see any depression? Did anyone see him smoking pot? My God, this woman sounds like she is still smoking pot. What an awful, awful thing to write about Jeff. As an adult Bonnie, if you had any inkling that Jeff was depressed or even smoking pot, you should have gotten ahold of his mother and made her aware of this. Often times parents are the last to know what is going on in their child's life, even if you talk to your child every single day.
Shame on you Bonnie, Jeff's Sunday school teacher when he was about 4 and how you seem to know so much about him at 15 and did nothing.
John, I am very sorry for your loss. I am a very good friend of Jamie's and have known her since Sara and my son Aaron were in first grade. There are no words to say other than I'm truly very sorry for your loss as well as your family's loss.
Denise Dingsdale
Posted by: Denise at July 17, 2007 03:02 AM
John, my condolences to you and your family on the death of young Jeffrey.
After a long forced absence due to career demands, I was glad to get home and was glad to have the chance catch up on the website. When I came to your post about Jeffrey, I was shocked and saddened. My family also experienced a similar loss several years ago, and I know too well the devastating impact an event like that can have. I know there are no words that can help to to overcome what one feels. I felt a sense of helplessness and frustration, and a word I hate to use, impotence, in the face of such senseless loss. I sense in your words these same feelings. Too many young people dying, for no good reason.
I was also shocked to read about the June 10th event in Billy Taylor Park. I thought Mt. Hope was past that sort of thing. But In driving the old familiar streets again with eyes wide open I know that you are right, it was a set back for our neighborhood. I see drug dealers still working the park and Camp Street, the passive aggressive blocking of streets by vehicles double parked and chatting or dealing, and I see young people with too much time on their hands shuffling slowly across the streets with their hands down their pants staring blankly with vacant, ignorant eyes at me as if they are challenging me. To what? Pathetic. Where do they learn this behavior? At home? As a die hard liberal, I am challenged.
This too saddens me.
Posted by: James at July 7, 2007 12:00 AM
Dear John:
You also have my condolences. I was Jeffrey's Sunday School teacher when he was about 4 years old. Jeffrey was always very curious, always exploring everything around him and questioning it. He was a handful sometimes, and extremely smart!
I so understand Jeffrey's pain and anguish. I, too, used to suffer from depression and ADD, which eventually landed me into AA. While AA saved (and continues to save) my physical life, my soul was still in torment. It wasn't until I was able to surrender that I felt a life changing miracle happen in my life. And, coincidently, this miracle happened after about 4 months of smoking marijuana, while I was still searching for that "something" -that magic pill, that would make me right.
It is my true belief that Jeffrey's soul was in torment also, and it is a tremendous shame that any type of forced attendance in "self-help" groups is allowed. This completely and tragically does more harm than good. After all, if you don't feel you need help, why would you try to help yourself?? And to be forced to help yourself is ridiclous . . .
If memory serves, one of the last things Jeffrey said to his friends before he committed suicide was "staying sober is too hard". If Jeffrey's brain chemistry works the way my ADD brain chemistry does, the marijuana made him feel "normal" - exactly what non-addicted people feel every single day. Any one who has not had this experience (alot of AA's included) cannot understand what a devestation it is to hear "no, that feeling is wrong" when you know so much in your heart and soul that it is good and true, and you've waited so long to feel "human".
Although I will miss knowing Jeffrey as a young adult, I an so grateful that I had the chance to know him as a young child. And I rest, and hope you do to, in the knowledge that he's at true peace.
Fondly
Bonnie Buska
Posted by: Bonnie at July 5, 2007 02:07 PM
Hi, I used to be Jeff's girlfriend in 8th grade. We had a lot of good times. I went to the funeral on Saturday. I'm very sad about this event, too. You have my condolences. I also have mine, too. I wish I could've done something to stop him from making this decision. Jeff was a very smart person. He was fun to hang out with. He was so nice. I miss him a lot.
Posted by: Alyssa Thomas at June 23, 2007 06:35 PM
John,
I am greatly saddened by the senseless and tragic loss of your nephew, Jeff. He seems a kind, thoughtful, sensitive young man and the world is much poorer for his departure.
William Butler Yeats
A Prayer For My Son
Bid a strong ghost stand at the head
That my Jeffrey may sleep sound,
Nor cry, nor turn in the bed
Till his morning meal come round;
And may departing twilight keep
All dread afar till morning's back.
That his mother may not lack
Her fill of sleep.
Bid the ghost have sword in fist:
Some there are, for I avow
Such devilish things exist,
Who have planned his murder, for they know
Of some most haughty deed or thought
That waits upon his future days,
And would through hatred of the bays
Bring that to nought.
Though You can fashion everything
From nothing every day, and teach
The morning stars to sing,
You have lacked articulate speech
To tell Your simplest want, and known,
Wailing upon a woman's knee,
All of that worst ignominy
Of flesh and bone;
And when through all the town there ran
The servants of Your enemy,
A woman and a man,
Unless the Holy Writings lie,
Hurried through the smooth and rough
And through the fertile and waste,
protecting, till the danger past,
With human love.
Padraic Pearse
The Wayfarer
The beauty of the world hath made me sad,
This beauty that will pass;
Sometimes my heart hath shaken with great joy
To see a leaping squirrel in a tree,
Or a red lady-bird upon a stalk,
Or little rabbits in a field at evening,
Lit by a slanting sun,
Or some green hill where shadows drifted by
Some quiet hill where mountainy man hath sown
And soon would reap; near to the gate of Heaven;
Or children with bare feet upon the sands
Of some ebbed sea, or playing on the streets
Of little towns in Connacht,
Things young and happy.
And then my heart hath told me:
These will pass,
Will pass and change, will die and be no more,
Things bright and green, things young and happy;
And I have gone upon my way
Sorrowful.
Posted by: Mike at June 20, 2007 10:24 PM
Jeff was one of my freinds i went to school with and i miss him soo much it hurts soo bad and im still mourning till this day.
Posted by: Julianna Washington at June 19, 2007 09:14 AM